Dave's Joke Journal

************ Taste test (Skip Robbins) ************

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

• Red.....................Cherry
• Yellow.................Lemon
• Green..................Lime
• Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None Of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's something your Mother may sometimes call your Father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and Yelled, 'Oh my God! They're butt-holes!
************ Cute ones (Pam Wilde) ************

That woodpecker HAS to go!************ Two Italian men talking (Pat Clare) ************

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation, as Italians do.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives".
"Hey, coola down lady," said one man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi.'"

*********** Sex frogs (Joe Ruisi) ***********

A stunningly beautiful blond goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says: "SEX FROGS" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"
The blond nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE... MORE... TIME!"
*********** Harley guy (Pinky Williams) ***********

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't
wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And tells
her not to worry until he gets the tests back. A few days later, the
woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor... She immediately begs to know
what's causing the spots. The doctor says, You're perfectly
healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend
that Harley guy in the waiting room? The woman stammers, Why, Yes, but how did you know?
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.