***** Boomers... click on this image for a BLAST from the PAST *****


***** Coming to a street corner near you (Franklin Sanders) *****


********* Subprime banking mess *********

********* *********

********** No comment necessary (Jack Wilson) ***********

************ Calvin (Jack Wilson) ************

Click to enlarge

********** The Best Of Jaywalking (Kay Jump) ***********

********** Well-Planned Retirement (Kay Jump) **********

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars 1 pound (about $1.40) and coaches 5 pounds (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "We'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err ... no", said the Council, "That parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "The attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 pounds (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 3.6 million pounds ($7 million)!
And no one even knows his name.

*********** Yep! (Alexis Mauldin) ***********

******* A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase (Joe Ruisi) *******

The wife was very upset about this and asked:
Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: Your husband said so.
Wife: Oh.
Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?
Maria: Your husband did.
Wife: Oh.
Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you...
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: No Señora, the gardener did.
Wife: So how much do you want?

********** BEST no trespassing sign (Bob Owen) *********
***** My 1 day employment as a Walmart greeter (Marilyn Sorensen) *****

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart... Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.There must have been lots of alcohol involved on both occasions?

************ Fishing trip (Marilyn Sorensen) ************

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied.
"Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'... SO HERE I AM!"

***** What are neighbors for!? (Dr Milton McIlwain) *****

(Click to enlarge graphic)

It was a tough job, but someone had to do it

************* Confession (Joe Ruisi) *************

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.*
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

************* Choose: A, B, C, D (Dr Milton McIlwain) *************

Unless you're a pinko commie obamanite, the answer is C!


************* Women are like cell phones (Louis Camerio) *************

Women are like cell phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

************* NOT likely (Bob Owen) *************

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child."So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead...Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

************* Confession (Jack Jump) *************

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a
dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

************* Deodorant (Pinkie Williams) ************

I bought a deodorant stick today
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in great distress at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!
************* Retirement fun (Roger Gertz) **************

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this
cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health!
************* Boomer Song (Louis Camerio) *************


************* IRS & Father O'Malley (Roger Gertz) *************

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

************* Vagina... it's NOT a clown car *************

************* Arkansas DNA *************

What's that on the far right?

************* Southern charm (Dr Milton McIlwain) *************

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

********** Juggling **********

************ The Billery kitchen tool combo (Skip Robbins) ***********

************ Daddy's invited to tea (Louis Camerio) ***********

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 ½ years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know…)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

*** Tennessee Ernie Ford's updated 16 tons (Suzie Q) ***

********** You gotta love the South (Skip Robbins) **********

*** Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those UT women.
*** Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
*** Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied that he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
*** Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
*** Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied,
"Bout whut?"
*** North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
*** And a profound thought...
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north!

********** It's the Chicago way (Louis Camerio) **********
********** My son, the veterinarian (Betty Z) **********

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady place the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some to the church.
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful!
What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

********* First celebrity death from swine flu (Alexis Mauldin) ********

He must have caught it from Miss Piggy?

********** Cartoons on getting older (Jack Wilson) **********

********** Classified Ads (Jack Wilson) *********

• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
• FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
• FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
• FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
• COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
• NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
• GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents/lb.
• JOINING NUDIST COLONY: Must sell washer and dryer $300.
• WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE : Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

**** He may be a redneck but he ain't no dummie! (Jack Jump) ****

A redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The good ol' Tar Heel boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

********* Massage (Skip Robbins) *********

*** Three U.S. Navy ships named for Presidents (Louis Camerio) ****

When our Navy was second to none...

U.S.S. Ronald ReaganThen came the cuts to the Navy budget...

U.S.S. Bill Clinton:Now inspired by diversity, the loosening of immigration laws and an egalitarian society... here's the U.S.S Obama on it's voyage back from Kenya loaded with his relatives who have been paid off and have promised not to disclose his place of birth:

U.S.S. Barak Hussein Obama

*** Final Jay Leno Tonight Show ~ The Best Of Jaywalking ***

********** GREAT cartoons (2 by Gary Larson) **********

*******************************

*** Submitted by Skip Robbins who is listed in fair condition ***
at Dallas General Hospital

Spring Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday, June 9, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or
Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store,
Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas
will be issued to the survivors.

*********** The Best Surgeon in California (Pat Wagner) ***********

This guy is amazing! Below is his story!...Dr. Timothy McCarthy, while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of plastic surgery, concluding with this case study: "Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train which was traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."

*********** Losing weight (Betty Z) ***********