************* Bob Owen is SOOOO insensitive ************
************* But Bob Owen knows the 8th grade boy basics ************
************* More Bob Owen wisdom ************
*********** Dear Dad (Bob Owen) ************
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
************* More Posters (Jim Johnston) ************
********** A sweet story (Joe Ruisi) ***********
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...
'Well, we're not having any of that gay crap in our garden' she said.
************** Medieval helpdesk (Joe Ruisi) ************
************ Having a bad day? (Kay Jump) ***********
************ Definitions (Louis Camerio) ***********
'Recession" is when your neighbor loses his job.
'Depression' is when you lose yours.
'Recovery' is when Obama loses his.
************ Recent studies (Pat Wagner) ***********
RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND
THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES:
- TUESDAY
- THURSDAY
- TODAY
- TOMORROW
- THANKSGIVING
- THATURDAY
- THUNDAY
- THISDAY
- THATDAY
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST... AS A MAN SEES IT...
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND
- YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES...
- YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY...
- AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON...
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
- NUDITY
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
- ABOUT 45 LBS.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
- ABOUT 45 MINUTES
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
- THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
- A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
- ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT...
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRY TALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE ?
- A NORTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME...'
- AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS... 'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT...
I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil. I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
************* 50 years of marriage (James Rivington Pyne) ***********
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck... Get the HELL away from me!
******* Church Feels the Economic Pinch (Louis Camerio) ********
*********** -30- **********
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