************* The Economy is So Bad... (BZ) ************

• The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
• The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
• The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting..
• The economy is so bad Motel 6 won’t leave the light on anymore.
• The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
• The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

**************
********** This is the cow... (Patty Mason) **********

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
********* Insults with class (Bob Minarik) *********

Opening ones' mouth to subtract from the sum of human knowledge...

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill
• “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” - Winston Churchill
• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow
• “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
• “Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
• “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
• “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln
• “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
• “I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
• “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
• “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)
• “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill (in response to George Bernard Shaw)
• “I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop
• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
• “I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
• “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
• “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
• “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
• “There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.” - Jack E. Leonard
• “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” - Robert Redford
• “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” - Thomas Brackett Reed
• “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
• “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Count Talleyrand
• “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
• “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
• “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
• “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
• “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.” - Oscar Wilde
• “I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.” - Oscar Wilde
• “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang
• “He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
• “If you can't ignore an insult, top it; if you can't top it, laugh it off; and if you can't laugh it off, it's probably deserved.” - J. Russell Lynes
• “A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation.” - Moliere
• “Never insult anyone by accident.” - Robert A. Heinlein
• “Insults should be written in sand, compliments should be carved in stone.” - Arab Proverb
• “The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no more respect than he exacts.” - William Hazlitt

*******************
******** Quotes from fitness reports (Bob Minarik) ********

Performance Reviews

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
• "He would argue with a signpost."
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
• "Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "He's been working with glue too much."
• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

*********** EMERGENCY ROOM (Bob Minarik) ***********

I could be wrong, but judging by his hat, this guy ain't gonna make it!

**************

********** (Jay Hemphill) **********


*********** Ladies, BEWARE... this may be a scam! **************** Beware of older men - they only get wiser! (Jay Hemphill) ******

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each
nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay... How
old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how
could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Speaking of plastic surgery gone BAD

******** An inspirational story of luck! (Skip Robbins) *********

This guy won $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later! What LUCK! How'd he do it!?********** Women as financial planners (Jeff Dickstein) ***********

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.********** Hotel incident (Bob Minarik) ***********

A man checked into the Plains Hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth on Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
Daggone, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to check out next morning.*************** Airborne Ooops! (Judi Hensley) ***************

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is... you're NOT my flight instructor?'

*************** 'toons (Judy Hensley) ***************

************************** The gorilla and the redneck (Louis Camerio) ***********
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Ray Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Ray, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Ray was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Ray showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Ray said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," he said, "She must wear a 'Mountaineer' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
and "third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"And last," Bobby Ray said, "You gotta give me about a week to come up with the $500.00.

*********** He ain't MY president! ***********

************

Obama*********** It's ALL about timing (Louis Camerio) ***********

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails..'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

********** World's scariest license plate (Marilyn Sorensen) **********

You might try to pass her, but I sure wouldn't honk my horn.

*********** A Cowboy at the Pearly Gates (Roger Gertz) **********
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago.'

************* TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS ***********
CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered at 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

************** Guns: an Italian tradition (Joe Ruisi) ************

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my nickle plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

************
******** Profound thoughts on Sex (SusieQ) *********

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