Dave's Joke Journal

************* The Economy is So Bad... (BZ) ************

• The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
• The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
• The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting..
• The economy is so bad Motel 6 won’t leave the light on anymore.
• The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
• The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

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********** This is the cow... (Patty Mason) **********

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
********* Insults with class (Bob Minarik) *********

Opening ones' mouth to subtract from the sum of human knowledge...

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill
• “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” - Winston Churchill
• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow
• “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
• “Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
• “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
• “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln
• “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
• “I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
• “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
• “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)
• “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill (in response to George Bernard Shaw)
• “I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop
• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
• “I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
• “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
• “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
• “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
• “There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.” - Jack E. Leonard
• “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” - Robert Redford
• “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” - Thomas Brackett Reed
• “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
• “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Count Talleyrand
• “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
• “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
• “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
• “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
• “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.” - Oscar Wilde
• “I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.” - Oscar Wilde
• “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang
• “He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
• “If you can't ignore an insult, top it; if you can't top it, laugh it off; and if you can't laugh it off, it's probably deserved.” - J. Russell Lynes
• “A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation.” - Moliere
• “Never insult anyone by accident.” - Robert A. Heinlein
• “Insults should be written in sand, compliments should be carved in stone.” - Arab Proverb
• “The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no more respect than he exacts.” - William Hazlitt

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******** Quotes from fitness reports (Bob Minarik) ********

Performance Reviews

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
• "He would argue with a signpost."
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
• "Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "He's been working with glue too much."
• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

*********** EMERGENCY ROOM (Bob Minarik) ***********

I could be wrong, but judging by his hat, this guy ain't gonna make it!

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