Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a
dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
************* Deodorant (Pinkie Williams) ************
I bought a deodorant stick today
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in great distress at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!
************* Retirement fun (Roger Gertz) **************
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this
cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health!
************* Boomer Song (Louis Camerio) ************************** IRS & Father O'Malley (Roger Gertz) *************
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
************* Vagina... it's NOT a clown car *************
************* Arkansas DNA *************
What's that on the far right?************* Southern charm (Dr Milton McIlwain) *************
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...
********** Juggling **********
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