Dave's Joke Journal

*************** 'toons (Judy Hensley) ***************

************************** The gorilla and the redneck (Louis Camerio) ***********
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Ray Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Ray, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Ray was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Ray showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Ray said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," he said, "She must wear a 'Mountaineer' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
and "third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"And last," Bobby Ray said, "You gotta give me about a week to come up with the $500.00.

*********** He ain't MY president! ***********

************

Obama*********** It's ALL about timing (Louis Camerio) ***********

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails..'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

********** World's scariest license plate (Marilyn Sorensen) **********

You might try to pass her, but I sure wouldn't honk my horn.

*********** A Cowboy at the Pearly Gates (Roger Gertz) **********
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago.'