*********** Ladies, BEWARE... this may be a scam! ***********
***** Beware of older men - they only get wiser! (Jay Hemphill) ******A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each
nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay... How
old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how
could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Speaking of plastic surgery gone BAD
******** An inspirational story of luck! (Skip Robbins) *********This guy won $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later! What LUCK! How'd he do it!?
********** Women as financial planners (Jeff Dickstein) ***********Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
********** Hotel incident (Bob Minarik) ***********A man checked into the Plains Hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth on Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
Daggone, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to check out next morning.
*************** Airborne Ooops! (Judi Hensley) ***************His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is... you're NOT my flight instructor?'
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