They walk among us... and VOTE!

************* NOT FUNNY: Hudson River Ditching Jan 15, 2009

*************
**************** F
*********** Strangers on My Flight (click on image)
**** If you can't find the book you're looking for, you're probably in the...*********** The Importance of Walking! (Skip Robbins)

• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I joined a health club last year... spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years... just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
• Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

***********
*********** ... the Year in Hypocrisy, Idiocy and Political Correctness (click on image)
*********** Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (moron)?
Mrs. Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.
The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure...
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans.
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath - and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
*********** MORE Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

************** They walk among us... and VOTE

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff...'
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
*************

Problem with graphics...

I've had some problems with graphics not being received by some folks so to remedy the situation I've decided to return to this blog format... so "AWAY WE GO:"
***********

************ Last Rites
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.
How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
************* "The One"... a legend in his own mind
*************** Los Angeles High School Proficiency Exam.
Gang/Crew name_________________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?________________________.
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the rest of his hold?___________.
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day crack habit?____________________.
4. Tercel wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20 % profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20 % profit?__________________.
5. Desmond gets $300.00 for a stolen BMW, $250 for stealing a Corvette, and $200 for any 4X4. How many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?_________________.
6. LeMarcus got 6 years for murder. He also got $20,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $200 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison?_________________.
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 ounce cans of spray paint with 20% of paint left over?___________________.
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?_________________.
9. La-Sha (pronounced La-Dash-Sha) is a lookout for the gang. La-Sha also has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5. per rat. If La-Sha makes $700. a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her boa constrictor on one week’s income?_________________.
10. Rashiki steals Jose’s skate board. As Rashiki skates away at 15 M.P.H., Jose loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
**************** Send the right man for the job
***************** Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
*****************
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
*****************
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh... she got fired too.'
*****************
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
****************** Wanna throw up?
*******************
President Obama had only a brief conversation with General McChrystal about Afghanistan and the troop buildup that McChrystal proposed.
After listening to multiple dumb questions and even dumber statements, General McChrystal was concerned that the President did not understand the situation. President Obama sensed this and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."
General McChrystal answered, "No Sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never stand in another line!"
********************

************** I'll Do Anything...
An elderly man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
**************** Think Test
**************** Are we gonna make it to the 2012 election?

************* BEST Football Play in History

**************** - 30 - ****************

************* The Economy is So Bad... (BZ) ************

• The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
• The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
• The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting..
• The economy is so bad Motel 6 won’t leave the light on anymore.
• The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
• The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

**************
********** This is the cow... (Patty Mason) **********

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
********* Insults with class (Bob Minarik) *********

Opening ones' mouth to subtract from the sum of human knowledge...

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill
• “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” - Winston Churchill
• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow
• “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
• “Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
• “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
• “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln
• “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
• “I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
• “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
• “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)
• “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill (in response to George Bernard Shaw)
• “I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop
• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
• “I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
• “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
• “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
• “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
• “There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.” - Jack E. Leonard
• “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” - Robert Redford
• “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” - Thomas Brackett Reed
• “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
• “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Count Talleyrand
• “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
• “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
• “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
• “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
• “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.” - Oscar Wilde
• “I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.” - Oscar Wilde
• “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang
• “He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
• “If you can't ignore an insult, top it; if you can't top it, laugh it off; and if you can't laugh it off, it's probably deserved.” - J. Russell Lynes
• “A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation.” - Moliere
• “Never insult anyone by accident.” - Robert A. Heinlein
• “Insults should be written in sand, compliments should be carved in stone.” - Arab Proverb
• “The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no more respect than he exacts.” - William Hazlitt

*******************
******** Quotes from fitness reports (Bob Minarik) ********

Performance Reviews

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
• "He would argue with a signpost."
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
• "Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "He's been working with glue too much."
• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

*********** EMERGENCY ROOM (Bob Minarik) ***********

I could be wrong, but judging by his hat, this guy ain't gonna make it!

**************

********** (Jay Hemphill) **********


*********** Ladies, BEWARE... this may be a scam! **************** Beware of older men - they only get wiser! (Jay Hemphill) ******

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each
nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay... How
old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how
could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Speaking of plastic surgery gone BAD

******** An inspirational story of luck! (Skip Robbins) *********

This guy won $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later! What LUCK! How'd he do it!?********** Women as financial planners (Jeff Dickstein) ***********

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.********** Hotel incident (Bob Minarik) ***********

A man checked into the Plains Hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth on Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
Daggone, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to check out next morning.*************** Airborne Ooops! (Judi Hensley) ***************

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is... you're NOT my flight instructor?'

*************** 'toons (Judy Hensley) ***************

************************** The gorilla and the redneck (Louis Camerio) ***********
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Ray Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Ray, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Ray was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Ray showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Ray said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," he said, "She must wear a 'Mountaineer' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
and "third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"And last," Bobby Ray said, "You gotta give me about a week to come up with the $500.00.

*********** He ain't MY president! ***********

************

Obama*********** It's ALL about timing (Louis Camerio) ***********

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails..'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

********** World's scariest license plate (Marilyn Sorensen) **********

You might try to pass her, but I sure wouldn't honk my horn.

*********** A Cowboy at the Pearly Gates (Roger Gertz) **********
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago.'

************* TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS ***********
CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered at 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

************** Guns: an Italian tradition (Joe Ruisi) ************

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my nickle plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

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******** Profound thoughts on Sex (SusieQ) *********

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