************* Stimulus Package (Ric Shust) *************

I got my stimulus package in the mail today. It contained
A pack of watermelon seeds and 10 coupons to KFC...
Have you gotten yours yet?
******** Latino feminist empathy trumps the Constitution *********

The system is BROKEN and CAN'T BE FIXED!

********* King of your castle? (Skip Robbins) *********For all those guys who are King... until their wife gets home.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, " Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman. "
" Oh yeah? " said Charlie. " And how did this one end? "
" When it was over, " Mike replied, " she came to me on her hands and knees. "
" Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say? "
She said, " Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit. "

********** Martha Stewart vs Maxine (Skip Robbins) **********

Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith 's frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha Stewart: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine?... HELLO!?

*********** NEW cell phone features (Pat Wagner) ***********

********** Union Rules & Hookers (Patty Mason) **********

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

************* Day light savings time (Skip Robbins) *************

************ A 3-year-old Tells All (Louis Camerio) ************

By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window

People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the
volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: ''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you onna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!'' He started to gag at this point.

''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!'' As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!'' He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'' More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait'em out plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

************ World's Thinnest Books (Joe Ruisi) ************

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Barney Frank (D-Mass)

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

************ Obama T-shirt (Skip Robbins) ************

************ A VERY large Bic lighter (Pinkie Williams) ************

-Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener, when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya... I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

************ Supreme Court ************

*** What grown men do with their action figures (Surran Pyne) ***

**** Quotes by our CLASSY Democrat leaders (Judy Hensley) ****

'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?''
- Bill Clinton
'That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off.'
- Jesse Jackson
'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'
- John Edwards
'I invented the Internet'
- Al Gore
'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious,
I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS.'
- Joe Biden
' America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was...uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
- Barack Obama
'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
- Barack Obama
'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
- Nancy Pelosi
'Paying taxes is voluntary.'
Sen. Harry Reid
'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know.
No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'
- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR IMPERILED COUNTRY?

************ ATTENTION Border Patrol (Gerry Protzman) ***********

Be on the lookout for a `54 Chevy... Red with White top

************* How'd you die? (Joe Ruisi) ************

1st woman: Hi Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… We'd both still be alive.

************** Global Warming **************
************* Soup Kitchen (Joe Ruisi) *************

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter $0.00

Having Michelle Obama Serve you your soup $0.00
Snapping a picture of a homeless person who is receiving government funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500 Blackberry Priceless

*********** Green Cartoon (Alexis Mauldin) ***********

********** Madame Speaker (Dianna Williams) **********
********** Redneck fire alarm (Skip Robbins) *********

********* "Service"... now it's clear (Claire Smith) *********

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

• Internal Revenue 'Service'
• U.S. Postal 'Service'
• Telephone 'Service'
• Cable TV 'Service'
• Civil 'Service'
• State, City, County & Public 'Service'
• Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM! The REAL meaning of 'service' came into focus.

********* This won't surprise the ladies (Louis Camerio) *********

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard "cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

God gave man two heads but only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Anonymous

***********

While in the bathtub a three year old pointed to his testicles and asked his mother, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
His mother replied, "No, not yet, honey."

*********** Looking back... what a MESS we're in! (Suzie Quarles) *********

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

*********** This is NOT funny ***********

Click on image to enlarge:

The main stream media would have been outraged if a Republican had allowed their image to be on a poster promoting a KKK conference or a white supremacy gathering.
Can you imagine Keith Oberman's indignance or the tingle that would go up Chris Matthew's leg if this were a Republican meeting!?

********** In Memory of Bruce Davis ***********

The first time I heard this joke it was told to me by Bruce Davis, a dear and special friend of mine from Tulsa. Bruce was a STRONG Christian with a fabulous sense of humor... always wanting to laugh and never stuffy about his Faith. He was extremely articulate, well-spoken and a great writer. He could sing and play (bang on it like Jerry Lee Lewis) a honky-tonk piano like no one I've ever known personally. He was a family man and was always ready to help anyone anytime. His passion was deer hunting and sadly, Bruce was killed in a small plane crash several years ago while his son-in-law (the pilot) and brother were checking out places to hunt from the air. I suspect you could get every one that attends my funeral in a phone booth... Bruce had hundreds of people at his... the church was packed and overflowing. Some say that the Lord calls you home when your work on earth is done... that could certainly apply to Bruce. He was a GREAT Christian man and will be missed by many!

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'"
Chuck replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said," 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

********** Golf quotes (Jay Hemphill) **********

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

A hungry dog hunts best. ~ Lee Trevino

You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen. ~ Lee Trevino

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

************ Electric fences (Jack Wilson) *************

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?).********** Letterman (Louis Camerio) ***********

************ Poster from the April 15th Tea Party ************

************ I don't believe this fella's gonna make it! ************

************ A little different than expected (Jerry Buchanan) ************

************ Revenge (Jay Hemphill) ************

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer, and they decided to move.
Three months later, even though they had cut their selling price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
About that time, the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement a small amount in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork, which she promptly signed.
A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything and load it onto the van to take to their new home... And, just to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING... DON'T YOU?

*************

************* Global Warming ************

************ Yard Sign (Marilyn Sorensen) ************

******* Medical Definitions for Rednecks (Skip Robbins) *******


*********** Redneck Lion (Alexis Mauldin) ***********
*********** ... and have 'em looking for work (Bob Owen) ***********

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work on 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Asshole out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"

*********** Priceless (Marilyn Sorensen) ***********



******** What could he have possibly seen in her? (Pat Wagner) ********

Okay, okay... she does have pretty eyes!

*********** Have you ever had this much fun!? (Marilyn Sorensen) ***********

*********** Neck exercise for computer geeks (Leroy Pyle) **********

*********** Time to start cussing (Bob Owen) ***********

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom... 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

************ LITTLE BOYS (Kay Jump) ************

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. ' They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.************* AARP Card (Craig Roberts) ************
*********** Gettin' Older (Joe Ruisi) ************

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, isn't it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

************** 4 year olds and a basic truth **************
A four year old little boy and a four year old little girl were playing in the sprinkler in her front yard. They were only wearing their underwear as swimming trunks.
The little boy whipped out his unit and proudly said to the little girl, "Betcha haven't got one of these!"
She smugly opened the waist band of her panties and replied, "No, but I've got one of these and with one of these I can get all of those I want."
************ Who do you trust? (Pinkie Williams) ************
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

************ Liar... Liar... Pants on Fire ************

************** Texas Chili Cook-off (oldie but a goodie) **************

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yankee.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

************ Taste test (Skip Robbins) ************

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

• Red.....................Cherry
• Yellow.................Lemon
• Green..................Lime
• Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None Of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's something your Mother may sometimes call your Father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and Yelled, 'Oh my God! They're butt-holes!
************ Cute ones (Pam Wilde) ************

That woodpecker HAS to go!************ Two Italian men talking (Pat Clare) ************

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation, as Italians do.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives".
"Hey, coola down lady," said one man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi.'"

*********** Sex frogs (Joe Ruisi) ***********

A stunningly beautiful blond goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says: "SEX FROGS" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"
The blond nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE... MORE... TIME!"
*********** Harley guy (Pinky Williams) ***********

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't
wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And tells
her not to worry until he gets the tests back. A few days later, the
woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor... She immediately begs to know
what's causing the spots. The doctor says, You're perfectly
healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend
that Harley guy in the waiting room? The woman stammers, Why, Yes, but how did you know?
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.