If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat pork from a tin can because of swine flu... ignore it.
It's just Spam.
********* I love Stephen Wright (Skip Robbins) **********- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don’t succeed,destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
*********** Grief & Suffering (Skip Robbins) **********
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
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