Dave's Joke Journal

************* Stimulus Package (Ric Shust) *************

I got my stimulus package in the mail today. It contained
A pack of watermelon seeds and 10 coupons to KFC...
Have you gotten yours yet?
******** Latino feminist empathy trumps the Constitution *********

The system is BROKEN and CAN'T BE FIXED!

********* King of your castle? (Skip Robbins) *********For all those guys who are King... until their wife gets home.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, " Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman. "
" Oh yeah? " said Charlie. " And how did this one end? "
" When it was over, " Mike replied, " she came to me on her hands and knees. "
" Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say? "
She said, " Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit. "

********** Martha Stewart vs Maxine (Skip Robbins) **********

Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith 's frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha Stewart: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine?... HELLO!?

*********** NEW cell phone features (Pat Wagner) ***********

********** Union Rules & Hookers (Patty Mason) **********

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'