************** Airport restroom gadgetIn the washroom in the airport I saw this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:
"Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"
************** ************** 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'.
************** As we age
A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was better than most places and the wine selection was extensive.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
**************** **************** California
"Frankly, I don't know what it is about California, but we seem to
have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office.
I'm not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine,
even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to
Washington, we're number one. There's no getting around the fact that
the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein,
and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went
up on 'Macbeth'. The three of them are like jackasses who happen to
possess the gift of blab. You don't know if you should condemn them
for their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words."
Burt Prelutsky
Columnist, Los Angeles Times
*****************
The Corpus Christi, Texas Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park .
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a Obama for President in 2008 t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police DO care.**************** **************** -30- ***************
********** Our Mosby knew he'd been a bad dog so he volunteered for his own "time out"************ Surprised Kitty
************ Consequences (Kay Jump) I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me. ' Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' ' Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'*********** When asked what he thought about the current political/economic mess in America, the bulldog puppy replied,************* Football Wisdom (Jay Hemphill) "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska "There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State "After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas "Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas "If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama "In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia "It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas "I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama "There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU "Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame "My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee "I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State "Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn "They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas "They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech "I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State "Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State "Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC "If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota "The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame "It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame "We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking." John McKay / USC "Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas "I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame "Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football" John Heisman *************
************* How's your day going!? (Kay Jump) I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat... After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. ************* Stange Laws (Attorney Jeff Dickstein) In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) ********* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) ********* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) ********* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than going blind!) ********* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) ********* In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) ********* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) ********* In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) ********* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.) ********* In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !) ********* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?) ********* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of what?)(Did our government pay for this research?) ********* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.) ********* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) ********* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) ********* Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam! ******************* Dog Mambo (Kay Jump)
******************* Grandfathers BEWARE (Louis Camerio) A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room... "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog-because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!” *************** Great Orators of the Democrat Party "One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' - Franklin D. Roosevelt "The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.' - John F. Kennedy And from today's great Democrats : "It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton "Those rumors are false... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards "I invented the Internet" - Al Gore "The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ass.' - Joe Biden "America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children." - Barack Obama "I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008) "You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006) "Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid "Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998) HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY? (not a Democrat) ''Life's tough... it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' - John Wayne ******************** ***************** - 30- ****************
***************** (BZ, Alabama)***************** (Bob Owen) A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disas-trous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.' *****************
A Man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, 'Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma ***************** (Bob Owen) Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.' ***************** (Bob Owen) Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce..' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours! *************** (Click the image to view the video) ************* (Alexis Mauldin) The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards.." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." ************* ***************** A bed especially for men (Susan Battle) Somebody has finally made an orthopedic bed just for MEN. It can be ordered in three firmness levels... "saline, silicone or natural," and in in sizes C - DDDD... Anyone wanting less than a C should just sleep on the floor. Available only at 'Butts, Boobs & Beyond' *****************
***************** (Bob Owen) The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' ************** ************ Only great minds can read this (Webb Garrison) This is weird, but interesting! fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it. ************ *************** A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.. "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle." ***************** (Bob Owen) A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?' **************
*************** ****** gOOgle (ain't it a shame to ruin a beautiful thing(s) with plastic?) *************** The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.********************** America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser.
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America!
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers.
*************** *************** Click here to purchase gifts for all your liberal friends ********************** ut OH! ********************** Chilly this winter?
Do you know why it's been so cold? Because over the years many folks thought, "It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President." Enjoy the weather. ******************* ****** Win tickets to the Vancouver 2010 Winter Games
Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
Which ones are male twins?
Which ones are the female twins?
How many women are in the group?
Which one is the teacher?
Which two just finished a joint?
*************** A very old Jewish man (Kay Jump) A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. May I ask your name?" "Morris Fishbone," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a frigging wall.” *************** ************* -30- **************
************** Best of Willam Shatner (Skip Robbins)
************** (Kay Jump) ************ Circle Flies (Chris Mauldin) A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around hi s head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies." "Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." "Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?" "No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though. ************** (Kay Jump) ******** How I learned to mind my own business (Susie Q)
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day. All the patients were chanting, '13... 13... 13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little hole in one of the fence planks, so I looked through to see what was going on... Some crazy bastard poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14... 14... 14'...
************** (Kay Jump) ********* REDNECK HOME SECURITY (Bob Owen) HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning andmessed him up bad. I don't think Satan took part, but it was hard to tellfrom all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter ************** (Click on image to enlarge)(Marilyn Sorensen)*************** -30- *************
... and if you like my efforts on this blog an occasional KUDO would be appreciated. ************* Remember ***************** (click on newspaper column for a larger & easier to read image)
*********** "Gettin' old ain't for sissies" (Martha Mauldin 1920 - 2006... my dear Mama)
*********** Fran Lebowitz, "I hate clock radios... if I wanted to wake up to Stevie Wonder, I would have gone to bed with Stevie Wonder."
Another Fran Lebowitz, "I've done the calculations and your chances of winning the lottery are EXACTLY the same whether you buy a ticket or not." *********** Andrew Klavan on the Culture (click on image to see video) *************
If you enjoyed his story, search for more videos re "Eustace Conway" on http://www.youtube.com *********** Weight Watcher fatties
*********** Mexican Jews (Kay Jump) Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?' Al replies, 'I don't know, let' s ask our waiter.' When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?' The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.' He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.' Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, senor!'and goes back into the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.' The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.' 'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!' 'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter, 'All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews. *********** -30- **********
In the washroom in the airport I saw this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:
************** 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!
**************** California
****************
**************** -30- ***************
