***********
************ Last Rites
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.
How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
************* "The One"... a legend in his own mind
*************** Los Angeles High School Proficiency Exam.Gang/Crew name_________________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?________________________.
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the rest of his hold?___________.
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day crack habit?____________________.
4. Tercel wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20 % profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20 % profit?__________________.
5. Desmond gets $300.00 for a stolen BMW, $250 for stealing a Corvette, and $200 for any 4X4. How many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?_________________.
6. LeMarcus got 6 years for murder. He also got $20,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $200 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison?_________________.
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 ounce cans of spray paint with 20% of paint left over?___________________.
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?_________________.
9. La-Sha (pronounced La-Dash-Sha) is a lookout for the gang. La-Sha also has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5. per rat. If La-Sha makes $700. a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her boa constrictor on one week’s income?_________________.
10. Rashiki steals Jose’s skate board. As Rashiki skates away at 15 M.P.H., Jose loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
**************** Send the right man for the job
***************** Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
*****************
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
*****************
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh... she got fired too.'
*****************
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
****************** Wanna throw up?
*******************President Obama had only a brief conversation with General McChrystal about Afghanistan and the troop buildup that McChrystal proposed.
After listening to multiple dumb questions and even dumber statements, General McChrystal was concerned that the President did not understand the situation. President Obama sensed this and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."
General McChrystal answered, "No Sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never stand in another line!"
********************
************** I'll Do Anything...
An elderly man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
**************** Think Test
**************** Are we gonna make it to the 2012 election?
************* BEST Football Play in History
**************** - 30 - ****************
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