************ Surprised Kitty************ Consequences (Kay Jump)
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.
' Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
' Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
*********** When asked what he thought about the current political/economic mess in America, the bulldog puppy replied,
************* Football Wisdom (Jay Hemphill)"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line."
Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal / Texas
"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football"
John Heisman
*************
************* How's your day going!? (Kay Jump)
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat...After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
************* Stange Laws (Attorney Jeff Dickstein)
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*********
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*********
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*********
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than going blind!)
*********
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*********
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*********
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*********
In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*********
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.)
*********
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*********
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*********
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of what?)(Did our government pay for this research?)
*********
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*********
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*********
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*********
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!
******************* Dog Mambo (Kay Jump)
******************* Grandfathers BEWARE (Louis Camerio)
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her
Grandpa's room...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog-because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
*************** Great Orators of the Democrat Party
"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson
'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' - Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.' - John F. Kennedy
And from today's great Democrats :
"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton
"Those rumors are false... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards
"I invented the Internet" - Al Gore
"The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ass.' - Joe Biden
"America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children." - Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)
HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?
(not a Democrat)
''Life's tough... it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' - John Wayne
********************
***************** - 30- ****************
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